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Form Over (Body) Function

What happened to dandruff? Did I miss the “dandruff eradicated” e-mail?

I ask this because I realized today that we NEVER hear about it anymore.

It was not too long ago every other commercial was about the stuff. Head and Shoulders where did you go?

Did you go the way of “ring around the collar” or B.O.? I’m thinking a dirty shirt collar is caused by a dirty neck right?

And B.O. has now been replaced by S.E.O.

Fear not readers, I am pleased to announce that body function marketing is alive and well. I was minding my own business the other day, when a jolly jingle popped into my peripheral hearing.

Was it for Disney World … or the latest exquisite eating establishment, you ask?

No, it was the following: (insert jaunty music here) “The Midwest Hemorrhoid Treatment Center” accompanied by smiling faces and waving nurses. "Don't suffer in silence."

The spot continued (with said music) and alarming copy: “Three out of four Americans suffer with this problem…”

Excuse me, T.M.I. Too much inflamation.

Since when has anal-itch become a cause for celebration?

Holy %&$#.

Do the math. Most of the people around you right now want to scratch their ass. I think this is a cause enough to run these ads at 3 a.m. on C-SPAN.

I can see the poor creative team presenting a spot with smart, sensitive copy to the earnest client, only to be met with: “Yes, but I want it to be memorable with a happy jingle like Empire Carpets.”

End jolly music.

But the insanity is not a locally grown phenomenon.

What about the incredibly strange, smiling character “Bob” in the national erectile-dysfunction campaign for Enzyte a few years back? Remember him? Let’s face it, he looked completely insane. It might just be me, but I do not relish the thought of anyone this ‘out-of-their-gourd’ walking the streets, brandishing an erection lasting more than four hours.

I truly hope the creative team involved here: a) Had their head examined and b) Had their head examined for dandruff.

Being a 14-year old at heart, I take “BFM” very seriously and am awaiting a complete set of orifice advertising examples to call my own.

Toothpaste! Check!

Fem hygiene! Check!

Hearing Aids! Check!

By my count I have nostrils and rear ends to cover my bases. My finest moment was with a feminine hygiene product.

I was asked by a certain douche company to (squeamish readers should, at this point, move on to the fine article on SEO somewhere) create a "before and after" ad for yeast infections, complete with fully functioning casting sessions! I am not making this up.

The client seriously asked about bringing people in for a casting call.

“Excuse me but who would come in for the ‘before’ pictures?” I guess in Hollywood there’s always someone. Thankfully, common sense prevailed and we went with medical illustrations. The account guy was so excited by the finished artwork that he had the images turned into drink coasters.

Hopefully they’ll go nicely with his dandruff placemats.

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